I hide; I wear a mask.
There is a reservoir of feeling that I never access. I’ve opened it recently, now everything is pouring out and overwhelming me. I want to be open with people, my family and friends. So I have to begin to be open with myself to begin this process. I see so much that I need to fight and rid myself of. Emotions that I’ve hidden for years, years- all pouring out. The Well of feeling...I don’t think I’ve just opened it. Maybe I’ve fallen in. I’ve fallen into a pit of fear and I’m thrashing wildly while I drown. I fear fear. It whispers, “Remember me?”
Yes. I remember it all too well. All of my fears. They suffocate. And because I hid them, put them into the deepest corners of my heart I expected them to be gone.
They’ve only strengthened and grown while I wasn’t looking. A hidden disease. Covered wounds I dressed hurriedly and then came back to find infected. I am infected- with fear that slaughters joy and seizes me; takes me over and paralyzes. Panic attacks- the latest manifestation of my fear.
Why do I fear?
And more importantly- why do I hide? Why do I take my emotions by the throat and hide them; deny their existence? All of those years- not crying or expressing myself. Holding back and never showing anyone. Slapping myself in the face until I stopped crying. I didn’t want to be weak. But now... I feel so lost. Does anyone truly know who I am? If they did....would they run? I am an oyster, closed so tightly you need a knife to open me. There is no pearl waiting on the inside, though. Just runny revolting mucus and aching muscle that feels so keenly.
I struggle with fear and depression.You fight depression with thanksgiving, Eucharisteo.
And you fight fear with....love. Because perfect love casts out fear. {1 John 4:18}
Maybe... Eucharisteo joy and love work together. Whenever one gives thanks, isn’t it to the Creator, to the Giver? Every time you give thanks it is for a gift, for a blessing- an expression of his love. When you give thanks for His blessings and grace-gifts, you are filled with joy because you are looking, you are being still. You have ceased striving and the Almighty has satisfied you and you are filled with Him. And if God is love... and you are filled with God... then you are filled with love. And in turn, your fear is cast out. You are perfected in love. Because fear has no chance against the love that our Creator has for us. Fear has never stood a chance against love, and the fear in my veins doesn’t stand a chance against love- God’s love.
How do I fill myself with it so that my fear will flee?
How do you fill yourself with love?
I need to know; I need to fill myself with it.
That is what I am going to teach myself- to love. To be full of God’s love and be full of love for God. To breathe in and out, love. Showing that love to others and expressing it- expressing things and being open and unafraid, full of shameless love and void of the fear that prompts me to smother emotion. My fear will flee and there will be love coursing through these veins instead.
Thank you, Abba, for showing us the beau ideal of love- for surrounding us with it. We breathe it and don’t even realize.
Thank you, thank you.
There is a reservoir of feeling that I never access. I’ve opened it recently, now everything is pouring out and overwhelming me. I want to be open with people, my family and friends. So I have to begin to be open with myself to begin this process. I see so much that I need to fight and rid myself of. Emotions that I’ve hidden for years, years- all pouring out. The Well of feeling...I don’t think I’ve just opened it. Maybe I’ve fallen in. I’ve fallen into a pit of fear and I’m thrashing wildly while I drown. I fear fear. It whispers, “Remember me?”
Yes. I remember it all too well. All of my fears. They suffocate. And because I hid them, put them into the deepest corners of my heart I expected them to be gone.
They’ve only strengthened and grown while I wasn’t looking. A hidden disease. Covered wounds I dressed hurriedly and then came back to find infected. I am infected- with fear that slaughters joy and seizes me; takes me over and paralyzes. Panic attacks- the latest manifestation of my fear.
Why do I fear?
And more importantly- why do I hide? Why do I take my emotions by the throat and hide them; deny their existence? All of those years- not crying or expressing myself. Holding back and never showing anyone. Slapping myself in the face until I stopped crying. I didn’t want to be weak. But now... I feel so lost. Does anyone truly know who I am? If they did....would they run? I am an oyster, closed so tightly you need a knife to open me. There is no pearl waiting on the inside, though. Just runny revolting mucus and aching muscle that feels so keenly.
I struggle with fear and depression.You fight depression with thanksgiving, Eucharisteo.
And you fight fear with....love. Because perfect love casts out fear. {1 John 4:18}
Maybe... Eucharisteo joy and love work together. Whenever one gives thanks, isn’t it to the Creator, to the Giver? Every time you give thanks it is for a gift, for a blessing- an expression of his love. When you give thanks for His blessings and grace-gifts, you are filled with joy because you are looking, you are being still. You have ceased striving and the Almighty has satisfied you and you are filled with Him. And if God is love... and you are filled with God... then you are filled with love. And in turn, your fear is cast out. You are perfected in love. Because fear has no chance against the love that our Creator has for us. Fear has never stood a chance against love, and the fear in my veins doesn’t stand a chance against love- God’s love.
How do I fill myself with it so that my fear will flee?
How do you fill yourself with love?
I need to know; I need to fill myself with it.
That is what I am going to teach myself- to love. To be full of God’s love and be full of love for God. To breathe in and out, love. Showing that love to others and expressing it- expressing things and being open and unafraid, full of shameless love and void of the fear that prompts me to smother emotion. My fear will flee and there will be love coursing through these veins instead.
Thank you, Abba, for showing us the beau ideal of love- for surrounding us with it. We breathe it and don’t even realize.
Thank you, thank you.
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