11.13.2012
11.11.2012
Perfected in love.
I hide; I wear a mask.
There is a reservoir of feeling that I never access. I’ve opened it recently, now everything is pouring out and overwhelming me. I want to be open with people, my family and friends. So I have to begin to be open with myself to begin this process. I see so much that I need to fight and rid myself of. Emotions that I’ve hidden for years, years- all pouring out. The Well of feeling...I don’t think I’ve just opened it. Maybe I’ve fallen in. I’ve fallen into a pit of fear and I’m thrashing wildly while I drown. I fear fear. It whispers, “Remember me?”
Yes. I remember it all too well. All of my fears. They suffocate. And because I hid them, put them into the deepest corners of my heart I expected them to be gone.
They’ve only strengthened and grown while I wasn’t looking. A hidden disease. Covered wounds I dressed hurriedly and then came back to find infected. I am infected- with fear that slaughters joy and seizes me; takes me over and paralyzes. Panic attacks- the latest manifestation of my fear.
Why do I fear?
And more importantly- why do I hide? Why do I take my emotions by the throat and hide them; deny their existence? All of those years- not crying or expressing myself. Holding back and never showing anyone. Slapping myself in the face until I stopped crying. I didn’t want to be weak. But now... I feel so lost. Does anyone truly know who I am? If they did....would they run? I am an oyster, closed so tightly you need a knife to open me. There is no pearl waiting on the inside, though. Just runny revolting mucus and aching muscle that feels so keenly.
I struggle with fear and depression.You fight depression with thanksgiving, Eucharisteo.
And you fight fear with....love. Because perfect love casts out fear. {1 John 4:18}
Maybe... Eucharisteo joy and love work together. Whenever one gives thanks, isn’t it to the Creator, to the Giver? Every time you give thanks it is for a gift, for a blessing- an expression of his love. When you give thanks for His blessings and grace-gifts, you are filled with joy because you are looking, you are being still. You have ceased striving and the Almighty has satisfied you and you are filled with Him. And if God is love... and you are filled with God... then you are filled with love. And in turn, your fear is cast out. You are perfected in love. Because fear has no chance against the love that our Creator has for us. Fear has never stood a chance against love, and the fear in my veins doesn’t stand a chance against love- God’s love.
How do I fill myself with it so that my fear will flee?
How do you fill yourself with love?
I need to know; I need to fill myself with it.
That is what I am going to teach myself- to love. To be full of God’s love and be full of love for God. To breathe in and out, love. Showing that love to others and expressing it- expressing things and being open and unafraid, full of shameless love and void of the fear that prompts me to smother emotion. My fear will flee and there will be love coursing through these veins instead.
Thank you, Abba, for showing us the beau ideal of love- for surrounding us with it. We breathe it and don’t even realize.
Thank you, thank you.
There is a reservoir of feeling that I never access. I’ve opened it recently, now everything is pouring out and overwhelming me. I want to be open with people, my family and friends. So I have to begin to be open with myself to begin this process. I see so much that I need to fight and rid myself of. Emotions that I’ve hidden for years, years- all pouring out. The Well of feeling...I don’t think I’ve just opened it. Maybe I’ve fallen in. I’ve fallen into a pit of fear and I’m thrashing wildly while I drown. I fear fear. It whispers, “Remember me?”
Yes. I remember it all too well. All of my fears. They suffocate. And because I hid them, put them into the deepest corners of my heart I expected them to be gone.
They’ve only strengthened and grown while I wasn’t looking. A hidden disease. Covered wounds I dressed hurriedly and then came back to find infected. I am infected- with fear that slaughters joy and seizes me; takes me over and paralyzes. Panic attacks- the latest manifestation of my fear.
Why do I fear?
And more importantly- why do I hide? Why do I take my emotions by the throat and hide them; deny their existence? All of those years- not crying or expressing myself. Holding back and never showing anyone. Slapping myself in the face until I stopped crying. I didn’t want to be weak. But now... I feel so lost. Does anyone truly know who I am? If they did....would they run? I am an oyster, closed so tightly you need a knife to open me. There is no pearl waiting on the inside, though. Just runny revolting mucus and aching muscle that feels so keenly.
I struggle with fear and depression.You fight depression with thanksgiving, Eucharisteo.
And you fight fear with....love. Because perfect love casts out fear. {1 John 4:18}
Maybe... Eucharisteo joy and love work together. Whenever one gives thanks, isn’t it to the Creator, to the Giver? Every time you give thanks it is for a gift, for a blessing- an expression of his love. When you give thanks for His blessings and grace-gifts, you are filled with joy because you are looking, you are being still. You have ceased striving and the Almighty has satisfied you and you are filled with Him. And if God is love... and you are filled with God... then you are filled with love. And in turn, your fear is cast out. You are perfected in love. Because fear has no chance against the love that our Creator has for us. Fear has never stood a chance against love, and the fear in my veins doesn’t stand a chance against love- God’s love.
How do I fill myself with it so that my fear will flee?
How do you fill yourself with love?
I need to know; I need to fill myself with it.
That is what I am going to teach myself- to love. To be full of God’s love and be full of love for God. To breathe in and out, love. Showing that love to others and expressing it- expressing things and being open and unafraid, full of shameless love and void of the fear that prompts me to smother emotion. My fear will flee and there will be love coursing through these veins instead.
Thank you, Abba, for showing us the beau ideal of love- for surrounding us with it. We breathe it and don’t even realize.
Thank you, thank you.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness- the hardest task
what bitterness behind this mask
holding onto poisoned thoughts
my heart bound by barbed-wire knots
We always assume that we are above someone
when we give grace, forgiveness allot
but letting go never means deciding to be the better man
because, put quite simply- you’re certainly not.
Humble yourself, examine yourself
inconvenience yourself, see yourself
see the same dirt and blood on your own hands and face
and accept that you are under the same sovereign grace.
You will never experience freedom and healing
if you are above the washing; the kneeling.
It is never comfortable; such radical compassion-
it’s a painful, humiliating, deliberate action.
But when you do break free, when you do kneel,
you are helping yourself as you wash and you heal.
When you break free from your pride, the lie
the poison leaks in the blink of an eye.
The grace is spread, Christ’s majesty revealed
your wounds can’t compare to his
and thus you are healed.
what bitterness behind this mask
holding onto poisoned thoughts
my heart bound by barbed-wire knots
We always assume that we are above someone
when we give grace, forgiveness allot
but letting go never means deciding to be the better man
because, put quite simply- you’re certainly not.
Humble yourself, examine yourself
inconvenience yourself, see yourself
see the same dirt and blood on your own hands and face
and accept that you are under the same sovereign grace.
You will never experience freedom and healing
if you are above the washing; the kneeling.
It is never comfortable; such radical compassion-
it’s a painful, humiliating, deliberate action.
But when you do break free, when you do kneel,
you are helping yourself as you wash and you heal.
When you break free from your pride, the lie
the poison leaks in the blink of an eye.
The grace is spread, Christ’s majesty revealed
your wounds can’t compare to his
and thus you are healed.
11.10.2012
Words...
I wrestle with words sometimes; struggle to express myself.
Insecurity, fear, overwhelming love... peace or panic.
Words are magical to me because of their power-
they can set you free or they can trap you.
They can build you up or crush your spirit.
Words to a page are like paint to a canvas.
You step back after pouring out your heart and you can show someone:
that is how i feel.
Words shape us and form us and define our character.
They reveal what our heart is and what matters to us.
And aren’t we all made from words, spoken into being by our Creator? I love how words have so much meaning and can impact a life; change it forever. Words like...
Gospel, Jesus, Eucharisteo. Grace, forgiven, Joy.
Even though in many moments we use words to express the most beautiful of feelings, I believe it is the most beautiful of feelings that you cannot express- those moments when words utterly fail you and your tongue is still.
The times when you are filled to the brim with words are nothing compared to the times when your breath is taken away and you have nothing to add to the beauty that surrounds you.
When you feel Worshipful and nothing you could possibly think to say would be more beautiful than the poetry of silence.
Those are the moments that I breathe in Eucharisteo and breathe out Joy.
Moments that I live for in my wild life.
“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ” -John Bunyan
Insecurity, fear, overwhelming love... peace or panic.
Words are magical to me because of their power-
they can set you free or they can trap you.
They can build you up or crush your spirit.
Words to a page are like paint to a canvas.
You step back after pouring out your heart and you can show someone:
that is how i feel.
Words shape us and form us and define our character.
They reveal what our heart is and what matters to us.
And aren’t we all made from words, spoken into being by our Creator? I love how words have so much meaning and can impact a life; change it forever. Words like...
Gospel, Jesus, Eucharisteo. Grace, forgiven, Joy.
Even though in many moments we use words to express the most beautiful of feelings, I believe it is the most beautiful of feelings that you cannot express- those moments when words utterly fail you and your tongue is still.
The times when you are filled to the brim with words are nothing compared to the times when your breath is taken away and you have nothing to add to the beauty that surrounds you.
When you feel Worshipful and nothing you could possibly think to say would be more beautiful than the poetry of silence.
Those are the moments that I breathe in Eucharisteo and breathe out Joy.
Moments that I live for in my wild life.
“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. ” -John Bunyan
To Irfan Khan.
Sometimes I dream about you.
You’re always shy, but you eventually grin and sit on my lap. You can somehow understand me, even though I don’t speak Hindi. But you never talk, you just nod and smile at me with those large dark eyes and listen. I tell you about the One True God and how much he loves you, how you’ll never be alone and how you can always trust him- especially when your life gets unbearably hard. You just smile and look, those eyes that go so deep, just looking.
Your eyes, Irfan. Your eyes...
I’ve never even met you, but I pray for you every day and I can’t ever remember feeling this way about a child. I’m not your mother, I’m not your sister, and I’m on the other side of the world.
I’ve only ever seen you in pictures and on the Compassion website, but you’ve stolen my heart, little boy- and you bring me so much joy that sometimes I don’t know who’s getting the better end of the deal with this sponsorship- you or me.
Someday, I’m going to meet you. I’m determined to. I imagine our faces will ache from smiling and you may be far too big to sit on my lap as you do in my dreams.
But as I sit here on the other side of the world looking forward to that day, know that I’m praying for you constantly. Your picture is on my dresser and hope for your future is in my heart.
To be a small, distant part of your life is an honor. I love you, Irfan.
Your friend and sponsor,
Esther
You’re always shy, but you eventually grin and sit on my lap. You can somehow understand me, even though I don’t speak Hindi. But you never talk, you just nod and smile at me with those large dark eyes and listen. I tell you about the One True God and how much he loves you, how you’ll never be alone and how you can always trust him- especially when your life gets unbearably hard. You just smile and look, those eyes that go so deep, just looking.
Your eyes, Irfan. Your eyes...
I’ve never even met you, but I pray for you every day and I can’t ever remember feeling this way about a child. I’m not your mother, I’m not your sister, and I’m on the other side of the world.
I’ve only ever seen you in pictures and on the Compassion website, but you’ve stolen my heart, little boy- and you bring me so much joy that sometimes I don’t know who’s getting the better end of the deal with this sponsorship- you or me.
Someday, I’m going to meet you. I’m determined to. I imagine our faces will ache from smiling and you may be far too big to sit on my lap as you do in my dreams.
But as I sit here on the other side of the world looking forward to that day, know that I’m praying for you constantly. Your picture is on my dresser and hope for your future is in my heart.
To be a small, distant part of your life is an honor. I love you, Irfan.
Your friend and sponsor,
Esther
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